I Think I Just Ate My Willpower


And the beat keep runnin’, runnin’…

Horrible song reference, sorry! I am a bit late in the Wendesday Weigh-In this week, but I’m happy to report I’m down another .6 lbs. I am now a mere 1.7lbs from the land of the 200s, and I can’t wait to be back there!!! I think the loss could have been bigger, but I ate really badly the night before weigh-in and had a (double) drink, plus a really big loss the week before, so I’m not really worried about it.

I am really loving the activity I’ve been incorporating more lately. I’ve been doing a Couch-to-5K plan and it’s great. It’s not always so much fun while I’m doing it (although surprisingly sometimes it is), but it’s working so great. I have always said I only run when chased, but it turns out that’s not true. Today I ran for 21 minutes in 7 minute stretches with 2 minutes of walking between each repetition, and I never ever thought I would be able to do that. Not only do I feel good because I know this is helping my weigh-loss…I feel empowered. I don’t want to be the one who lags behind any more, and now I won’t be! I am so determined to do this. You can find the running plan on my aunt’s blog:

http://www.fatlittlelegs.com/p/run-5k-plan.html

Overall I’m feeling good right now. I dropped my ear training class for the semester and I feel way less overwhelmed, and I’ve been singing well lately. Tonight I am going to a party so I’m a little worried about eating/drinking there. I plan to bring a lot of diet Coke and some snacks that I can eat, and we will see how it goes. I’m hoping it goes well, but I’m also willing to forgive myself if it doesn’t. Have a good weekend everyone!

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Wednesday Weigh-In 9/21

I’m still here! Just a drive-by post to report that the exercise and sticking to the plan has finally paid off…I lost 2.8lbs this week! I have been doing a Couch-to-5K program and really like it. Unfortunately I am very clumsy and fell tonight and scraped my knee and messed up my ankle, so hopefully I’ll be able to get back to it soon.

On a very happy note, my aunt (fatlittlelegs) had her baby girl this week! This baby was given almost no chance of making it to birth, much less ever getting out of the hospital. Mom and baby were both discharged together yesterday with an almost-clean bill of health. God is truly good! Check out her amazing story with the link to her blog.


Laid Bare

I would like to tell you that I haven’t blogged in quite some time because I’ve just been so busy. This is certainly true, of course. School has been nuts, I started volunteering with a new cat rescue, I’ve been going to a water aerobics class about 4 times a week, and I got a bad case of the stomach flu/food poisoning this weekend. However, this is not the true reason I haven’t blogged. The true reason is that I am ashamed. Something very hurtful happened to me a few days after my last post, and it is something I have no wanted to share. I have wrestled for quite some time with whether I should put this experience out there; whether I want people that I know in real life to know about this, or if I am simply too embarrassed and should keep it to myself. Obviously the conclusion I came to is that it is time to bare my soul. I am being consumed by this and if I don’t let out the steam I may just burst. So, here goes…

A few weeks ago we had our opera auditions for the whole year here at school. I went in pretty confident, seeing as I always do pretty well with in-person auditions and I liked my repertoire. The audition probably wasn’t the greatest I’ve ever had, but it was a new space and the accompanist was sight-reading, and overall I was fine with it. About a week later the cast lists went up and I was rather surprised to see that I was not cast in anything. Not a single thing for the whole year. Not just operas, but not even concerts or student-directed scenes. Of course I was pretty crushed. It was about all I could do to get out of the building as fast as possible to where it was sunny enough to put on sunglasses and quietly cry the rest of the way back to my car. I emailed my teacher before I let myself spiral too much and make up horrible scenarios of why I wasn’t cast in my head. It’s never as bad in real life as what you can conjure up in your head, right? For the first time in my life, wrong. My teacher told me that it is normal for them not to cast DMA students in the smaller stuff such as concerts or scenes if there are no roles for them in the opera (which there weren’t, I knew that going in), but also that according to the director I did not have a great audition. Ouch, but okay, I can handle that. You win some, you lose some. Then, the next sentence stopped me cold:

“Second, in a private conversation I had with <name omitted to protect the guilty> this past weekend, he mentioned that you will need to lose weight to be considered for leading roles.”

There it was, starting back at me; the thing I knew in the back of my mind but chose to ignore. It cut through me like I knife. I cried the ugliest cry I can remember. I know this, but it certainly hurts to hear that someone else is thinking it too. I screamed in pain and anger. How did that bastard director, with his beer gut, have any right to judge me? And then again, how is it that I was not cast for this reason, but a probably 400 lb tenor with not the most perfect voice either got cast in multiple things? This is probably the one that has stuck with me the most. There really is still a double standard in opera. A 250lb Juliet is not believable, but somehow a 400lb Romeo is. The other thing that really worried me is that this if this is a condition of being cast, that really puts time pressure on me. Any of you who have lost weight or are trying to know that it happens when it happens, and there is no quick fix. I have about 150 lbs to lose to be in what is considered a normal range. To do this at a healthy rate (.5-2 lbs a week), could take anywhere from about a year and a half to 4 years, not including inevitable fluctuations and plateaus. Does this mean that I have to put on hold any hopes of performing at my school for that long?

After about an hour of laying in the fetal position sobbing and thinking about this, I dusted myself off and went on a vengeance workout. This does show growth, at least I did something positive with my emotions rather than eat. Over the next week or so I threw myself into exercising and following the WW plan. I did really great and was really proud of myself but got a little sidelined at my weigh in, when after what I felt was a Hell of a lot of work, I only lost .8 lbs. I know I know I know I know, a loss is a loss, my body was adjusting to exercising, blah blah blah blah blah. All I know was that in that moment I really needed to see hard work pay off. Thankfully I was able to rationalize myself out of this mindset pretty quickly and it was only a blip in the road. Things continued going pretty well until this past Thursday, when I got slammed with a major case of some sort of stomach virus. I was quite reassured that bulimia was not a good choice for me, because throwing up is possibly my least favorite sensation in the whole world. And then when that happens every 30 minutes for a full 12 hours, well, you get the picture. I am now back to being able to eat normally, but of course I want nothing to do with healthy eating. I feel sorry for myself for being sick and keep telling myself that I deserve horrible, unhealthy foods, and to be totally lazy.

And that brings us to today, and why I am finally revealing all of this. For no particular reason today, I am feeling incredibly sad and lonely. My first class was really hard, so maybe I’m feeling a little bit stupid from that. I also feel like I’m not making friends, or at least not as quickly as I would like, and I feel isolated. I’m realizing that the main way I know how to relate to people is food. Go out to dinner with someone, or to coffee, or stay after class to eat lunch with people, or go to a party or get-together where there will inevitably be food. But when your budget and your diet make it easier to just avoid food-related functions, how do you connect to people? Maybe this makes me utterly pathetic that I don’t know, but I honestly don’t.

I’ve also lately been questioning my choice of vocation and of path. Maybe I’m just burned out or maybe I’m afraid of actually failing at something. Maybe it’s just really hard and I’m lazy and don’t want to put the work in. Maybe I actually just don’t want to do this any more, or at least not the academic side of it. But how do I figure out which of these it actually is, and how would I even go about quitting once I’ve gotten this far? What else would I do? How disappointed would people be in me, and how disappointed would I be in myself?

The feeling that really got to me, though, was a feeling that I have had a lot since getting that fateful email from my teacher, and one that I really hate. Self-loathing. I can say with 100% honesty that this is not something I have felt on a regular basis in a very long time, if ever. I have always been the one preaching that you need to love yourself first and others will fall in line, and that self-esteem is so important. Yet here I am, constantly feeling fat, ugly, and worthless. I hate myself for feeling this way, which makes me feel even more worthless. Before getting that email, I almost never looked in the mirror and criticized what I saw, and now every glance is filled with self-hate. I feel hopeless. I really am trying to lose weight and do it in the healthiest and safest possible way, but I feel like I could never possibly do it fast enough or radically enough to satisfy others. The ultimate question that I’m left with is do I really want to be a part of a business that can so quickly and utterly destroy me without a second thought. Is doing what I love really worth the pain?  I know this is probably not comfortable to read and it certainly was not comfortable to write, but I hope that after confessing I feel a bit lighter, and maybe my confession can help comfort someone else. Thank you all for listening.


Unexpected Rewards

I know I just posted a bit ago, but I had to share something that just happened. I did drag myself out to workout. I tried to do my laundry first but the room was locked and nobody in the office told me I needed a key, so I guess that will have to wait for now. Despite yet another frustration in a very frustrating day, I decided to go work out anyways. When I went in to the (very small) workout room, there was another girl in there. We chatted a little and I came to discover she was my next door neighbor. She was so nice and stayed and talked with me for almost the whole workout. She talked to me also about churches in the area, and her faith. I cannot doubt that this was a gift from God. I don’t know if we’ll be best friends or just good neighbors, but I do know that there was a reason she and I were both there at the exact same time. It’s nice to get a little affirmation that I’m doing the right thing at least for this moment. I guess I’ll be working out a bit more often!


Wednesday Weigh-In

Hello all! Another Wednesday flew by me, so I guess this is actually a Thursday Weigh-In. I was up .4lbs last night but considering that I did not at all deserve my loss last week and was awful til about Monday of this week, I will definitely take it. Also, I forgot to enter my weight into my tracker last week, so it registered as a loss online anyways, which felt nice. I have been very good since Monday. I have stayed in my points and gotten some activity. I’m working really hard to convince myself to go to the workout room and elliptical for a while right now. I need to do laundry so I think I’ll find that and work out while it’s going. I need to work off some serious aggression caused by trying to park on campus today. It was the first day and I managed to miss my first class by being unprepared for what a zoo the roads would be. I took the afternoon to figure out the bus schedule, and knock on wood, I think I have. I’ll be testing it out tomorrow. It’s better all around because I’ll be walking more, which is better for me (although the 100+ degree heat is not nice), and it’s free, which is also good for me. It just means I’m going to have to get up a lot earlier than I would like, but I guess it’s time to be an adult now, isn’t it? Let’s hope for better luck tomorrow and next week.

I’ve had an awesome few nights of meals. 2 nights ago I had one of my all-time favorites: Mushroom Stroganoff. It’s super delicious and quite low in points, although it doesn’t taste like it. It is of course good with pasta, but I really like it over spaghetti squash (not in season in Texas) or Shiritaki noodles (can’t find them here!). Here’s my (kind of) recipe:

Saute mushrooms and onions (as many as you want!)
Add garlic, lots and lots, also add pepper, and saute a bit more. You can also add ground turkey if you want.
Once that all seems cooked add a whole can of 98% reduced-fat cream of mushroom soup and simmer for about 5 minutes, then add 1/2 cup fat-free sour cream and cook for another 2-5 minutes. Eat in great quantities.

I honestly eat this whole recipe (yes, it’s a lot), but you could easily split it for two or three people. It’s so yummy!

Then last night I made another delicious meal. I made Mustard Cornmeal Crusted Cod with Cheesy Mashed Potatoes:

Dethaw 1 cod filled, press with paper towels to remove some moisture. Coat with mustard (deli mustard is great). In another bowl, combine 2tbsp Cornmeal with spices to taste (I used garlic powder, pepper, salt, and lemon-pepper), and coat fish with this mixture. Bake on a sprayed baking sheet for about 15 minutes, flipping halfway through.

Potatoes: Boil about 3/4 cup raw potatoes (150g) and cauliflower together (I used a frozen bag, the more you use, the bigger your portion will be). Boil as you normally would potatoes, drain, and mash. Add 1/4 cup 2% reduced fat shredded cheese, stir.

Both were SO yummy. The potatoes needed a bit more flavor, so consider adding garlic or other spices of your liking.

Well, it is time for me to stop stalling and get my workout on. Yikes.


Monday I’m in Love!

Hello again everyone! I know I’ve been very sporadic in posting lately but it’s time to get back in it. If you like these posts please comment so I know if I should keep putting time into them. Here are the things I love this week:

5. Undercover Boss

This show will warm your heart as bosses of big companies go undercover and work within their own companies. I am enjoying a marathon of it that I DVRed yesterday. It shows on OWN network and I believe on ABC. It’s also good if you need to get a few tears out.

4. My new aerobic step

Alright, it seems like $40+ dollars is a lot to spend on a step that you could probably just walk outside and find anywhere. But, if you were to step on and off of a public step repeatedly for 10-30 minutes, don’t you think someone would send you to the loony bin? Now I can do a nice workout in the privacy of my apartment. I have no excuse now to not throw in 10 minutes here and there while watching TV. Let the APs start rolling in!

3. My kitty!

My darling Dana is really helping me not feel too lonely in my new home. She has been so snuggly all morning and just so dang cute. What a precious baby!

 

 

2. Lean Frozen Dinner Lasagna

I like frozen meals occasionally, and they’re nice to have on hand when you get busy or lazy. My very favorite variety is lasagna. I LOVE lasagna, but you definitely can’t make it in small quantities, and having a whole pan on hand can lead to disaster (the last 2 days are proof of that). In my opinion the frozen variety is just as good, and is nicely portion controlled. Eat up!

1. Zero Point Condiments

I used to believe everything needed an un-healthy dose of mayo, cheese, and/or cream sauce to be good. Following Weight-Watchers has taught me that you don’t need to add fatty condiments to make something taste good. Low-calorie things like mustard, ketchup, barbeque sauce, and fat-free Miracle Whip add a great dose of flavor to things without adding tons of fat and calories. Yum!


Still Standing

Well, I made it to Texas. It has definitely been a rough few weeks in many ways. Emotionally it has been a roller coaster. It was very very hard to leave home, and I really miss my family. I just about had a panic attack when I pulled off the freeway into Denton, but thankfully things have been okay. I love my apartment, it’s so nice and roomy and cute. I have a dishwasher, which I have only ever had once before, and the pool in the apartment is small but nice. I can swim very short laps in it 🙂 I haven’t dragged myself to the little workout room yet but I’m sure I’ll be utilizing that eventually.

Eating has been just terrible. I already started snowballing before I left from stress, and then eating out and wanting to try new restaurant once we got here continued the bad. I still haven’t managed to pick up the pieces yet, but I’m trying. I managed to go to a Weight Watchers meeting yesterday which was really good. It’s not that the meeting was particularly awesome, it was just really good to have some sense of normalcy in my life again, and I was inspired to at least start thinking about eating well again. Also good news, I somehow managed to lose 1.6 lbs. There is absolutely no way that should have happened, so the only think I can think is that I’m dehydrated. So here’s hoping that that motivates me to really get back at it and earn the next loss. Wish me luck everyone!


Wednesday Weigh-In 8/3/11

Well, here I am, dragging myself back to my blog after a rough few days. After that good day at the mall I kind of went off the deep end and didn’t do so well. There was a big disaster at TGI Friday’s: How bad do you think 2 skewers of shrimp and some broccoli could be for you? Especially when they are on the right portion right price menu? I’ll tell you how bad: 750 CALORIES!!!! For the points I wasted on that idiotic shrimp I could have had a burger. I’m quite disgusted with you, TGI Fridays!

I’ve also been feeling extremely anxious lately. I am now down to less than a week until my move to Texas and I’m getting really freaked out. The moving itself is going to be stressful enough, but then I have placement tests right away that I’m quite sure I’m going to fail, and trying to get registration figured out and learning a new city and a new school and not having a single familiar face around me (other than my cat’s). It’s enough to make me want to eat bags upon bags of chips, but actually one of the few thoughts that’s keeping me from plunging over the edge into a full-blown panic attack is finding a new Weight Watchers meeting. I am hoping to be able to throw myself into that community there and hopefully make a few friends that way. I have also found a cat shelter that I should be able to volunteer with, and although I won’t start that right away, it is another thing that will hopefully keep me sane. I am really going to miss my family and my friend Anna, I haven’t been home the last two summers and it’s been really nice to spend time with them. It’s going to be very hard to leave.

I’ve been so close to just giving in the last few days and saying “screw it, I’ll start again once I get settled in Texas”, but I know I just cannot do that. There will always be some excuse in life, some new reason to put it off, but I am more important than that, and I deserve better. If I keep putting this off until tomorrow, the day will come sooner and sooner that there will be no tomorrow. Even if it is not pretty or perfect, I have to keep tracking and keep doing the best that I can. I also need to appreciate the little miracles in life, like the 1.2 lbs I lost this week even though I thoroughly did not deserve it. I hope all of your weeks are going better than mine, and I’d appreciate a prayer and a kind thought in my direction in this difficult few weeks ahead of me.


Staying on Track

Happy Saturday everyone! I hope you all are having a great weekend. I enjoyed sleeping in this morning and waking up to a kitty cuddling me. In a bit I am going to go babysit my cousin (“L” of Fat Little Legs fame). I have a lovely little baby dress that I am bringing to my aunt Sarah for what will hopefully be her healthy little girl. If you haven’t gotten a chance to read her story, click on the link to her blog on my page. She’s such an inspiration and she needs some serious prayers and support right now.

My trip to the mall with my mom was good. We didn’t spend too much money…I actually wouldn’t have minded finding a few more things and spending more 🙂 We also did quite well with our eating. A normal day at the mall would have consisted of a shared caramel pecanbon from Cinnabon (about 1100 calories and over 50 grams of fat), a high calorie blended drink from Caribou Coffee, probably some sort of deep fried chinese food from the food court, and a Auntie Annie’s Pretzel. Instead, we stopped at Caribou on the way and got Cold Pressed Iced Coffee with sugar-free flavor shots (almost 0 calories), and then split an order of Auntie Anne’s pretzel stix (4PP/half order). We got greek salad for lunch which was delicious and estimated around 12 PP, and then indulged in delicious gelato from Paciugo gelato. We estimated this at about 16PP for a medium (around 12 oz.). This gelato is the closest to real gelato I’ve tasted in the US, and they provide nutrition information. It is much lighter than other ice creams, and SO delicious. Totally worth it, although I probably could have survived on a small. We also went out to eat for dinner since we always do on Fridays and it was a bit of a killer (Famous Dave’s), but only b/c I ate out for every meal. Overall I am very happy with the choices I made, and also happy to report that I got 18 activity points from walking around the mall. 3 miles! Shopping is really the best exercise!


Wednesday Weigh-In 7/28/11

Well, today was the moment of truth after 2 weeks away from the scale and not so great eating. I actually weighed in yesterday at the doctor too, but that scale told me I was a bit lighter. I was up 2.8 lbs, which was disappointing but not unexpected. I certainly deserved it after some out-of-control eating the last 2 weeks and undeserved losses the two weeks before that. Either way I am back on track and really committed this week. I am thinking that I am going to start giving myself an exercise goal. I think this is something they’re thinking of adding in to the WW plan, and it seems like a great idea. I want to start with a pretty doable goal of 10 activity points a week. For those not familiar with the WW system, this is about 100 minutes of moderate intensity exercise, or 1000 calories burned. That basically means 20 minutes 5 days a week, or 30 minutes 3 days and 10 minutes  1 day, etc. etc. etc.. This seems like a good starting goal, although I am skeptical about my ability to get it started during this transition time. Having the goal to work up to seems a lot more motivating to me than just knowing I should be doing 30 minutes a day, 5-6 days a week. I would love to work up to that, but it’s too daunting right now.

I am looking forward to Friday when I get to go to Mall of America with my mom! This is one of my favorite things ever, when my mom takes off work and we go shopping and hang out. We are going to have to learn some new habits, like not starting the day off with a Cinnabon, but I know we will motivate each other to do it. I also wanted to mention that I am very proud of my mom, she’s stuck with it so well and has lost 6 lbs. now. Way to go mom!


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